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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  February 9, 2017 1:40am-2:11am PST

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♪ i would understand [cheers and applause] ♪ i would understand ♪ba♪ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba ♪turn up the lights in here, baby...♪ ♪extra bright, i want ya'll to see this♪ ♪turn up the lights in here, baby...♪ ♪you know what i mean, want to see everything...♪ ♪want you to see all of the lights!♪ ♪ ♪okay, okay, you know we going all the way this time.♪ let's go! let's go! let's feast! gatorade bars. never let hunger get in the way of your game.
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(alien humming) fruit by the foot fun what's on the end of yours?
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dearthere's no other way to say this. it's over. i've found a permanent escape from monotony. together, we are perfectly balanced, our senses awake, our hearts racing as one. i know this is sudden, but they say: if you love something... set it free. see you around, giulia ♪ - ♪ you gotta - ♪ gotta be fresh [cheering] - thank you. - [crying] - oh, my god. uncle mike are you okay? - i get micromanaged at work. i can't figure out the stupid computer system.
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i get no respect. - that sucks. where do you work? - hertz. - you work at hertz rent a car? - no, i said, "it hurts." i work at budget. the other day i promised the same chevy cruze to five different people. janet yelled at me in front of everyone. - [bleep] janet. - would you forgive me? - of course. but, hey, you have to admit, i knocked you on your ass. - yeah, emotionally, you knocked me on my ass. - right. - hell yeah. - [laughs] oh! okay! oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! - not really. he didn't really knock him on his ass. - felt good. [laughs] - kinda. emotionally, he did. - hey, thanks for having my back, guys. - we just did what you said to do but this time in a nice way. you know? - uh, can i get a ride back to the hospital? i think i'm going into shock. - we tend to have that effect on people. - yeah. - oh, he's serious. - oh, my god. - okay, okay. - he's actually really, really heavy. - bite down on this, sir. - whoo. - honestly, you guys are better than third eye. - thank you! i felt that, when we were--
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- oh, hey, check it out. this dude really knows how to party, huh? - i haven't touched the stuff in years, but i feel good! [laughter] - hey, uh, you think your daughter's into us, or what? - yeah, what about hannon? - [sighs] they suck. so does my life. hey, honey! - hey, dad. - you dare me to jump? [laughs] - that's [bleep] shit. - third time's a charm! [laughs] - i think we got another roommate, huh? - nice. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. (cheers and applause). >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," i'm trevor noah thank you so much, everybody, thanks for tuning in. my guest tonight is from the hit show "blackish" tracee ellis
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ross is here. she's here. she's going to be sitting right here. so excited. but first, big news from the world of retail fashion and show the presidency. >> one of america's largest department store chains is pulling a notable trump brand from its shelves. fashion retail giant nordstrom announced it will stop carrying ivanka trump clothing and shoes. the company said her products are just not selling. >> trevor: the products are just not selling? wow. you know, for someone who would have won the popular vote, it sure seems like trump is unpopular. obviously what happened here is millions of dead illegal immigrants aren't buying ivanka's shies. it is fake shoes, people, fake shoes. now not all of the news out of nordstrom sses bad for the trumps. for instance, eric's line of paperback face covers continue
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to sell well. and nordstrom is also keeping its line of pence pants, yes, which are really special because they have no fly. yeah. or as mike pence calls it, satan's front door. now, now by now you know where this is going. ivanka trump gets durched from nordstrom. and twitters going to tweet. and he did. the president tweeted, my daughter ivanka has been treated so unfairly by nordstrom. she's a great person. always pushing me to do the right thing. terrible. (laughter) (applause) now, now first of all, first of all, why do you need to be pushed to do the right thing? why aren't you just doing the right thing? (cheers and applause) is it just me? and you know, or does it feel like nordstrom is in trouble with the president now? it sounds like he's setting out a vendetta. i wouldn't be shocked if he sent
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in seal team 6 to buy up all her clothes, just you know, get in there and do something! one thing i enjoy about the trump presidency, though, is that even though we know we're all going to die, we're at least starting to learn all of their moves, you know. first the incident, then the tweet, then the spite. >> the tweet that president trump about his daughter's brand. >> yeah. >> and then it was retweeted by the potus account. what is the standard that president is doing in regards to his family businesses or that business. >> well, i think this is less of a family business than an attack on his daughter. for someone to take out their concern with his policies on a family member of his is just, is not acceptable. and the president has every right as a father to stand up for them. >> trevor: by the way, spicers argument, interesting, isn't it. don't punish ivanka's brand for her father's policies. because guilt by association is wrong. anyway, back to the muslim ban.
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(applause) but unlike nordstrom with ivanka trump's clothes, the press corps wasn't ready to let it go. >> ivanka trump as you know has divorced herself, separatedded herself from the business. so how is she being treated unfair leigh if she is not. >> i think there is clearly a targeting of her brand, and her name. she is not running the company, still her name on it. this is a direct attack on his policies and her name. and so that, there is clearly an attempt for him to stand up for her, because she is being mall ianed because they have a problem with his policies. >> trevor: oh, whoa, no, no, no. no, i mean, this is interesting. what he is saying is while she is not running the company, it's still her name on it. which makes this an attack on donald trump's quality. let's just take a second to appreciate what just happened here. for months the trump
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administration has been saying trump businesses will be completely separated from trump's policies. and now they are arguing that it's impossible to separate trump's businesses from his policies. which is what we have been saying. although on the other hand, he does have all those blank folders, you have to admit, that's a lot of folders. ba about the folders? but can i just say, thank you nordstrom. because of you, donald trump finally realized how painful it is when a family member gets banned from a place they really want to be. (applause) finally. thank you, nordstrom. can i ask you guys a question. do you, do you ever stop sometimes and reminisce about things, and how they used to be? you know, like way back, like five months ago. you know, when the president was still competent, and black?
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you know, black-- (applause) back when the government wasn't an exploding train driving off a cliff, heading into a mine field in the middle of the ocean which is show also on fire? well, if you are one of those people than last night was definitely for you. because cnn answered our prayers and took us on a nostalgia tour by pretending the presidential primaries were still in full force. >> bernie sanders, ted cruz. the fight for the future of health care in america. >> please welcome the runners up for the democratk and republican nomination for president in their first debate, senator bernie sanders, independent of vermont. and senator ted cruz, republican of texas. >> trevor: really, jake? really? the runners up for the nominations for the president? i'm sorry, but no, no. the only runner-up for president is hillary clinton. the runners up for the nomination is just another way of saying two people who aren't president. do you realize how easy it is to
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be who they are? i will show you right now. i'm going to run for president. you guys going to support me? yeah, yeah, thank you very much, thank you. i'm running for president. thank you. wait, wait, wait, wait, sorry, i have just decided to pull out right now. i am now a former presidential candidate. yeah, i wanted to spend more time with my family or whatever. so i'm out. it is that easy. but hey, don't get me wrong. i'm not dumping on cnn. you know, i actually thought this was a welcome change from the random nobodies that get on tv to share their expert opinions. at least these are people who are actually in government giving us their opinions. so it meant something when they said things like this about obamacare. >> we have got to go further and join every other major country on earth and say that if you are an american, you are guaranteed health care as a right, not a privilege. >> the answer is not more of obamacare, more government control, more of what got us in this mess. rather the answer is empower
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you, give you choices. >> trevor: so bernie wants the government to do all of it, and cruz wants the government to do none of it. which we already knew, we understood that. but what we didn't know is that these two polar opposites would show spark a bromance. >> you know, here i find myself in agreement with ted. he's right. >> just a couple of weeks ago on the senate floor i voted with you. >> ted, let's work together. >> well, there is an area actually where we agree. >> i think that is a fair point. >> trevor: whoa. wow, look at you. look at that ceding a fair point. you realize for a senator, that's like third base. (laughter). >> trevor: yeah, no wonder they spend so much time hiding their boners, you know, that's a thrilling night. oh, and by the way, that is actually where ted cruz's pen is is. i'm not making a mistake. they are both hiding their-- no, it works fine t is just in another place. it's actually, it's called a and
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a halfel [bleep], that is what that is. it is a preexisting condition. you know what else is magical about that, i don't know if this is because of spending so much time with trump or kellyanne or scaredy spice. but for the first time i didn't want to kill myself while listening to ted cruz. i'm not going to lie. he even told a joke, i actually thought was funny. >> now bernie mentioned canada quite a bit. i know quite a bit about canadian health care. i was born there. you know, bernie, that may be the best argument against your position is, you know, look what it produced. >> that's right. >> trevor: that's funny. ted cruz finally learned the first rule of comedy. make fun of ted cruz. when i was watching that, i disn even know what to do, you know. like i have been watching ted krudz for so long that i my mind doesn't think of that. i was watching that, i was like is that a joke. and my body and mind didn't know what was happeningment i was like that is funny but my body
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was-- -- like my mind was telling me no, but my body my body was telling me yeah. i mean don't get me wrong. don't get me wrong, don't encourage me. don't get me wrong. there was still plenty of moments where cruz came off as an alien still learning to talk like a how many, for instance this moment when a woman living with multiple sclerosis asked him whether or not republicans would replace obamacare with an option that would guarantee future coverage. >> thank you for sharing your story, and i congratulations on dealing with ms, it's a terrible disease. and congratulations on your struggles-- struggles dealing with it. >> trevor: congratulations, congratulations on dealing with ms. i tell you now, i do not want to see ted cruz making greeting cards. happy anniversary of your diagnosis. (laughter) when are you expecting to die? oh, and by the way, in case you
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were wondering, cruz dodged the answer to that question all night. he never once confirmed that republicans would guarantee coverage for preexisting conditions. the whole night. he just kept bobbing, bobbing and dodging which is a common side effect of and a halfel [bleep]. one of those things. now while ted was trying his creepy best to win over the crowd, bernie was doing his signature move, being clueilessly brutally honest. because he got a question from a small business owner asking how to grow her business. while also being able to afford insurance for her workers. >> you own five salons. >> that's correct. >> and you employ close to 50 people. >> just under. >> what kind of health insurance do you provide to them? >> i don't-- none. >> let me give you an answer you will not be happy with. if you have more than 50 people, you know what, i think, i'm afraid to tell you, i think you will have to provide health insurance. >> trevor: wow, man, hate him or love him, you have to give
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bernie props. most politicians would give and ambiguous answer to look good in front of the people. bernie just told it like it is. well, i'm sorry to tell you, yeah, put up or shut up. yeah. it's also because he has a deep disdain for all hair salons, you have to understand. no, because look at what they did to him. bernie is like you think i asked for this? you think i asked for this? do you any i wanted a bob? all bernie looked like with a bob, i wonder what-- yeah. he could have been president. i like that. you know, as much as last night was a fun trip down memory lane, that's all it was. because we woke up this morning and reality set in, cruz is still hated by his entire party. bernie's ideas are still too idealistic for this congress. and 35% of americans still don't know obamacare and the affordable care act are the same thing. so as bernie sander was put it,
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>> trevor: welcome back to the daily show. now the white house has been the home of chaos and excitement. and now congress is getting in on the action as well. in an exciting week in the senate, and not like exciting by normal senate standards like when they get raisinnettes in the vending machine. it's like it is the candy that won't chip my teeth. we're talking about real excitement. first mike pence became the first person in 230 years to break a tie to confirm a cabinet secretary. yeah. first time in 230 years. and the cabinet secretary betsy devos, all the democrats and two republicans tried to block. now that amount of excitement would normally last the senate
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for a month. but this is trump's america now. scandal is the new normal. >> the fireworks coming last night as senator elizabeth warren floated a 1986 letter from the late coretta scott king. >> majority letter mcconnell said warren violated senate rules against criticizing colleagues. >> she was worned. she was given an explanation. never the less, she persisted. >> trevor: yeah, mitch mcconnell, finally standing up to the ladies. yeah. you said i couldn't stand up to donald trump. and i couldn't. but i will stand up to dr. king's dead widow. how do you like me now? this is the absurdity of the senate. mitch mcconnell is accusing elizabeth warren of attacking the integrity of alabama senator and attorney general nominee jeff sessions. only because she is reading a letter dr. king's wife wrote, criticizing sessions, blocking black people's voting rights.
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and that is apparently against the rules. so basically the way it works in the senate is a senator can do bad things, but you can't point out that a senator is doing bad things. which sounds less like the government and more like the catholic church. in a situation like this, i can't imagine what elizabeth warren is thinking right now. so i guess why don't i just ask her, joining us live via satellite, senator elizabeth warren, everybody. (cheers and applause) senator warren, thank you so much for taking the time and joining us. i know you have a vote to get to very shortly. so we'll get straight into it. you stood up to read that letter in the time that this has blown up everywhere, four of your male colleagues have been able to read the letter in full. is there something too that? should you have been a man to read this letter? >> look, the main thing is that millions of people are now
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reading coretta scott king's letter. it is an amazing letter. it is a letter full of passion. it is a letter full of heart and it is a letter full of advice to us. it talks about a moment in history when african-americans were beaten away from the polls. and it talked about jeff sessions role in that. and i think it has an important lesson today for all of america. i hope everybody reads her letter. that's coretta scott king's letter talking about why it is so important to have public officials who actually believe in equal rights and equal opportunities for every one of us. >> trevor: do you think you realized in that moment, and do you think mitch mcconnell realized what a solid he has done you? because i mean since that happened, just on facebook live alone, when you read the letter, it got 6 million views last time
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i checked, and it is everywhere and people are reading it. this is something that has helped you. >> no, what it has done is it has helped us have a better democratic conversation. you know, understand, we don't have the votes in the united states senate to block somebody like jeff sessions, or yesterday to block a secretary of education who doesn't believe in public education. we don't have those votes. so what we have got to do is count on people all around this country to make their voices heard. >> trevor: some people would say though those are the rules. what you did on the floor was breaking the rules am you are not meant to impugn the motives of a senator. so when you look at that, do you go i broke the rules or do you think that the rules are used when the people feel like they should be used? >> i just want to start here with the republicans response on this. coretta scott king in her letter talks about how jeff sessions
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managed by prosecuting civil rights workers who were trying to help elderly african-americans vote, that by prosecuting them, they had done what local sheriffs had accomplished 20 years ago, with clubs and cattle products. she talks about what jeff sessions directly did as the u.s. attorney for alabama. and you notice the republicans have not said hey, those are the facts or something has changed or he did all these other things afterwards. no, what they are saying is, you don't get to talk about that. >> trevor: well, i know you have a vote to get you. i appreciate you for your time. thank you so much for joining us. good luck. fighting. elizabeth warren, everybody. >> thank you. >> thank you. (cheers an emerge restored. fortified. >> thank you. (cheers an replenished.
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